Justice is Served
by Prezal
Summary: The GW cast goes to audition for a tv part, one of them wins the job, the characters sue the hell out of each other, good stuff, and SHOCKING surprises, Not done yet, Read/ Review
1. Prologue

Standard Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing...  
  
\ \ = Character thoughts  
  
Prologue  
  
Judge Judy is in the asylum after people suspected her to be crazy since she kept saying   
what people say is BALONEY! Since the judge is no longer with the show, the producers of the  
show went to the public for their help, what a coincidence, a couple of the g-wing characters  
decided to audition for the part of the judge.  
  
Director - Please Judge Judy, please quit. The fans think you're a old bag of bad fart. You  
think everything is baloney! Goddamn it, we'll pay you one million dollars.  
  
Judge J - you know what, you can shut up! I'm the judge and this is my court room, so you  
RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!! you got that BUSTA!!!!  
  
Director - You leave me no choice, security and asylum workers, escort the judge to the van.  
  
(Man with needle comes and injects sedative to knockout the judge and they stuff her into  
a van and the men drive her to the local asylum)  
  
Director - Say Lizzy, let's start our search for the next Judge Judy!   
  
Lizzy - the first stop is in the Sank Kingdom. Should I pack your bags sir?   
  
Director - Not yet, do me a favour will ya. (closes door and leaves impression of nasty things  
going on in that room)  
  
Sank Kingdom:  
  
Pargan - your paper, miss.  
  
Relena - (reading for REAL news stops on the entertainment page) Well you take a look at this  
they're holding auditions for the next Judge Judy! I'm there. \maybe being on tv is the only  
way Heero will pay attention to me. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA\  
  
Pargan - I'm driving right? \I never knew being Queen of the World left her with so much  
spare time. Oh, wait, she used her spare time to stalk that Heero\  
  
Heero's Apartment  
  
Heero - (Watching the tv)  
  
tv - Today, a Vince Mcmahon (he is the owner of the World Wrestling Federation) look-alike   
will be holding auditions for the once-popular tv court room, Judge Judy and he is   
searching for a new judge.  
  
Heero - Hn  
  
Trowa's Circus Trailer  
  
Trowa - (reading the paper while in the process of eating Catherine's "soup") An audition?  
\finally no more circus for me!\ (eats soup, horrible taste, Trowa resisting urge to swallow)  
  
Catherine - Trowa! What'cha reading?  
  
Trowa - ... (leaves trailer)  
  
Catherine - I thought he stopped doing that.  
  
Quatre's Estate  
  
Rashid - Master Quatre, you need something to do. Well I was looking in the paper and I   
thought that you could be a tv judge. \no more master quatre tea parties\  
  
Quatre - you really think I can be famous! WOW!!!!  
  
Rashid - (sarcastically) Yes! \I really have to tell him how he should see someone about his  
addiction to tea, makes him TOO happy)  
  
Duo's Flea pit (room)  
  
Hilde - Duo, I really think you need to do something constructive with your life. You can't   
blow stuff up anymore and no church will have a murderer as a reverend.   
  
Duo - I think you're right. I was reading through the paper and I think I'll go try out for  
this Judge show, I'll be famous and bigger than GOD!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Hilde - I was thinking you could go to the store to REPLACE the food that mysteriously   
vanished overnight!!! You wouldn't to know anything about that, do you Duo?  
  
Duo - uh.... no, gotta go! (runs out of the house before all hell broke loose)  
  
Wu fei's chinese style temple  
  
(Wu fei meditating / talking to self)  
  
Sally - Wu fei, I think you need to get out of the house more, the neighbors, primarily Noin  
and Zechs think you're going insane. You've been acting this way since you accidentally   
pushed the timer for the self-destruct device as you were exiting Nataku.  
  
Wu fei - WHAT DID YOU SAY ONNA!!!! I AM NOT INSANE!!! THEY ARE WEAK SO THEY THINK THE STRONG  
ARE INSANE!!!!  
  
Sally - I was thinking you could get a job to vent your anger/insanity, how about this tv  
judge part, they're holding auditions today in the Sank Kingdom.  
  
Wu fei - that's it! JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED!!! I can take out my anger on fools who go on my  
show to bitch about how their water is brown! ONNA!!! You proved useful for once!  
  
********************************************************************************************  



	2. Justice search

Standard Disclaimers: I do not own Gundam Wing...  
  
\ \ = Character Thoughts  
  
  
Part 1: Justice finding  
  
The director (looks like Vince Mcmahon!) is in his office apparently flirting with his   
secretary until his hoe reminds the director that they have auditions for the show to do.  
  
Director - Up next we have Re- oh god! Not her! I heard rumours that she's a stalker!  
  
Relena - (making ass of herself) I want to be the judge so I can be on tv and make a certain  
gundam pilot worship me! I think people will watch me because I'm RELENA?! I think everyone  
will like me since I am the QUEEN of your pathetic planet!!!!  
  
Director - You're too stupid and know nothing, go get some help, and get the hell out of here  
we have real people who want to be tv judges not some dumb broad who stalks gundam pilots!  
Especially Gundam pilots who try to kill their stalker! Get the hell out!  
  
Relena - (starts to cry) It's not fair! Nothing is FAIR!!!!!! Like the time Heero ran away...  
(goes on for five minutes talking about her "problems")  
  
Director - Okay, miss, you can shut up. (signals to security)  
  
(security restrains Relena and drags her away. Heero(!) can be heard laughing from a distance  
Relena realizes that this is Heero and suddenly with superhuman strength runs escapes from  
the guards and runs after the rogue pilot)  
  
Relena - HEEEERRRRRRROOOOO!!!! I didn't know you were going to be a tv judge?!  
  
Heero - (runs out of the audition room, showing fear for the first time ever!)  
  
Director - (cringes to the annoying shrill, crosses Heero off the list)   
  
Authors note: the girl must die!  
  
Director - send in the next wannabe celebrity tv judge! Quatre Raberna Winner (what a long   
name!)  
  
(Quatre walks in with tea and that PURPLE vest!?)  
  
Director - little boy, the daycare is on the other side of the building.  
  
Quatre - I'm not a little boy, I'm 16 dammit! Sorry, I get worked up sometimes. would you   
like some tea?  
  
Director - No... we're searching for someone with ATTITUDE. You know, the type of person  
who is the somewhat paranoid and arrogant type.  
  
(Quatre goes into a trance, thinking about the time his father got blown up good starts   
laughing insanely like the time after his father died and when he started blowing up a colony in Zero)  
  
Director - That's the attitude! Kind of psychotic. But good for a tv judge!  
  
Quatre - (escapes from trance) What'd I do? I like tea. Do you want some? It's from Arabia.  
  
Director - Uh... yeah (thinking this will be the only way to get Quatre to stop with the tea  
B.S.) In order to see if you fit into the producer's profile of a ruthless TV judge, can you  
tell us your likes and dislikes.  
  
Quatre - (goes back into trance) I like to blow up colonies when in a state of insanity  
(goes back to normal) I like women who have freaky eyelashes and stabs me, I like TEA, I like  
Sandrock, and I really like MONEY since I am the richest person in the universe! I mainly  
hate FIGHTING and WAR!!! I'm from a Pacifist family.  
  
Director - You said you like to blow up colonies yet you said you hated fighting?!  
  
Quatre - (unaware of trance) I never said I like to blow up colonies.  
  
Director - (crossing Quatre's name off the list) \A little too crazy for the show\ Well,   
we'll call you back.  
  
Quatre - (too happy to realize that he just got rejected) Really? Wow that's great! (leave  
in a jovial state while lauging insanely (must be Post Traumatic Stress))  
  
Director - Anyway, Lizzy, bring our next candidate into the room please. Let's see, next is   
Trowa Barton.  
  
Trowa - (Enters the room, sits down on a chair) ...  
  
Director - On your profile it says that you are quiet but likes to be in the spotlight, as   
you mentioned, you wrote down you are a clown who gets knives thrown at in a circus. Is that  
right?  
  
Trowa - ....  
  
Director - So are you interested in the tv spot or what?!  
  
Trowa - ....  
  
Director - That's it, I've had it up to here with your attitude! Are you retarded?! Since   
you entered, you gave me this look that I'm a retard and you just stare in awe! Get the hell  
out!!!  
  
Trowa - .... (gets out of chair and leaves)  
  
Director - \Attitude, I like him, put him on the MAYBE list\ (writes Trowa's name down on  
the MAYBE list) The next person is Duo Maxwell.  
  
(Duo runs in acting like he just ate 20 pixie sticks)  
  
Duo - Hi, I am the GOD OF DEATH!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!   
  
Director - (looks at the braid) Get out! No pre-op transvects. If you want to be considered  
for the job, go get a haircut so you'll look intimidating! God of death, yeah right!  
  
Duo - My hair!!!! I can't do that! (starts to cry and walks slowly out of the room)  
  
Director - One more person left! Finally, better not be as worse as that crazy stalker  
girl. Lizzy bring in Mr. Chang Wu Fei or is it Wu Fei Chang?  
  
(Lizzy escorts Wu fei into the room only pissed Wu fei off)  
  
Wu fei - HOW DARE YOU?! YOU WEAKLING!!!!! You got your stupid ONNA to bring me into this  
room with a BAKA like you deciding on who goes on your crappy tv court house who chronic  
WEAKLING couch potatos watch?! INJUSTICE, I'll KILL YOU!!!!!!!  
  
(Wu fei lunges to the Director with a sword)  
  
Director - I like you! I like people with ATTITUDE!? Are you prejudiced against anything?  
  
Wu fei - I hate people who are weaker than me, which is everyone! All of you are weaklings  
(Authors note: Notice there is only ONE other person in the room) Women for one thing are   
weaker than me, they do their tasks such as shopping and cooking and I the man, do manly  
things like worshiping Nataku and eating the cooking!   
  
Director - (disregarding what Nataku is a gundam) Is Nataku your wife or girlfriend?  
  
Wu fei - better than that, I kill for Nataku. I'll kill you since it's an INJUSTICE to think  
Nataku is a ONNA!!!!! KISAMA (Bastard)!!!!! Killing you will bring real JUSTICE for your  
stupidity!  
  
Director - Hold that look of anger! You are a spitting image of a irate Judge Judy! I think  
the producers will like you! You're HIRED!  
  
Wu fei - This is your lucky day DIRECTOR! I was going to kill you but now, I will forget what  
you said about Nataku. When do I begin to deliver some JUSTICE?  
  
Director - your first case starts in two weeks, during that time, I want you to get more   
pissed off than ever so you can lash out anger on the suckers who go on that.   
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(As the Director leaves the room and walks to his car, he sees Heero's body being glomped  
by Relena, Egad! She found the pilot!)  
  
Heero - Help me! I need help. Get the JAWS OF LIFE to get her off me! My gun is in my spandex  
shoot off her arms!! He - (face starts to turn blue)  
  
Director - Oh, go get a room. (sees Duo, WITHOUT THE BRAID) What the hell are you doing back  
here! You left here crying like a girl. What did you do to your hair.  
  
Duo - I cut the braid off so I can be JUDGE DUO!!!  
  
Director - Go away, I gave the part to Wu fei, at least you LOOK like a male. (gets into his  
89' Dodge Colt (low budget fic) and drives off)  
  
Duo - NOOOOOOOOO!!! (screams like the time Deathscythe got blown up on LIVE TV!) Oh, hi Heero,  
I sort of told Relena your hiding place. She treatened me by telling Hilde about my secret  
food stash. I'm soooooo sorry.  
  
Heero - (losing consciousness) Omae o korosu, Duo!  
  
(Wu fei walks onto the parking lot finding Heero unconscious in the hand of Relena, and Duo  
without his braid)  
  
Wu fei - HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The day has finally come, Maxwell sacred braid is now cut off!!  
At least it wasn't your (censored), maybe it's worse than getting your (censored) cut off!!  
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Perfect Soldier not so perfect anymore!!! Can't even handle one onna!! Why  
don't you just go and marry the onna!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And by the way, I got the part!!  
Take that everyone!!!  
  
(Duo, Relena scowl in disgust, Heero has foam coming out of his mouth)  
  
Relena - Heero, did you hear what Wu fei said. He thinks we should get married! Isn't that   
great! I knew these would come in handy. (Relena reaches into her purse)  
  
(No, not what you're thinking of, sickos ;, Relena takes out two gold rings from her purse   
(my god and they're custom fit for Heero and her finger size), she sure does think her   
marriage over precisely doesn't she?)  
  
Heero - .... (he's unconscious dammit)  
  
Duo - (picks up his braid and runs away knowing his imminent death if Heero wakes up) I SAW   
NOTHING!!!!  
  
Relena - Heero! There's a chapel over there! Wu fei is right! (Relena drags Heero into the   
chapel)  
  
Heero - .... (still unconscious)  
  
Twenty Minutes Later  
  
Reverend - I pronounce you man and wife.  
  
Relena - This is the happiest day of my life! (drags the still unconscious Heero back into   
her pink limo)  
  
Ten hours later (the next morning)  
  
Heero - What the hell happened? Where is this place? This isn't my apartment. My room isn't   
pink, why is the teddy bear I gave to Relena doing here? Oh no... \what the hell did you do  
to me while I was unconscious?\ (Heero left ring finger felt heavier, Heero looked at the   
ring finger) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Relena - (comes out of the bathroom, holding pregancy test) Heero, I have something to tell   
you.  
  
Heero - (expecting the worse) DUUUUUUOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!! \but how did she do IT  
while I was unconscious?\  
  
TBC  
  
******************************************************************************************  
  
The house of the author  
  
(Heero and Relena storm in looking enraged as ever, outside Pargan is holding a small child)  
  
Heero - how dare you make me marry that pond scum the writers of the show call Relena (gives  
ME a patented Yuy Death Glare)   
  
Prez - I'm sorry man, don't kill me, the writers guild, they didn't want Relena bashing!!!   
Kill them!!! I hate that bitch as much as you do.  
  
Relena - At least make Heero conscious when does marry me.  
  
Heero - And how can she do it while I'm goddamn unconscious?! Well there's no way that feat  
is physically possible! And of all the women in the show, I end up with the most psychotic  
one, can't I marry Sylvia instead.  
  
Prez - Your marriage to Sylvia would have been possible nine months earlier, but look outside   
and you see your genes passed on, too bad. Hey, I don't want flaming. Go take care of   
your family.  
  
Heero - I'll take care of my family.... then I'll take care of YOU!!!! Omae o korosu!  
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
(Prez and Relena stare at Heero)  
  
Relena - Heero, stop threatening to kill people since it never works, you threatened to kill  
me, but you never did.  
  
Heero - (pouting) I KNOW IT NEVER WORKS!!!! I JUST LIKE TO SCARE PEOPLE!!!! Unfortunatly,   
you and Prez are too stupid to sense FEAR!!!!! (Starts to break down) I'll be in the car.  
  
(Relena leaves with Heero and drives off away from Prez's house) 


	3. Heero vs Duo

Standard Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or the WWF, the characters are trademarks of  
their respective companies.  
  
\ \ = character thoughts  
  
Part 2 Heero Yuy vs. Duo Maxwell  
  
Director - Wu fei, your first trial is with Heero Yuy suing Duo Maxwell for being the cause  
of the torture of being married and having a child with Relena Peacecraft.  
  
Wu fei - I didn't know that the onna took my suggestion to marry Yuy seriously. Oh well, I  
will dish out some JUSTICE today.  
  
Director - Oh yea, and I arranged a special baliff for you. Come in STONE COLD!!!!  
  
(Stone Cold walks in carrying a steel chair in one hand and a 6 pack in the other!)  
  
Stone Cold - (drinking) You know Judge Wu Fei, if anyone attempts to make some INJUSTICE   
they'll be the recipient to some Stone Cold Whoopass!   
  
Wu fei- I like him a lot! He looks like he can also dish out some JUSTICE! Mr. Cold, today  
I might need you, you see, a man is married to a she-devil thanks to me and he might come  
looking for some revenge.  
  
Stone Cold - I see, so if he comes near you, I give that SOB a Stunner, got it.  
  
(Stone Cold demonstrates the Stunner on the Director!)  
  
Wu fei - \I like him a lot! BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!!\ I have a show to do and JUSTICE to give out!  
  
Ten Minutes Later  
  
Director - (recovered by Stone Cold's attack) Wu fei, you're on in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1  
  
Announcer - This is Judge Wu fei. On today's Judge Wu fei, two best friends. And the woman  
who wrecked both their lives. The plaintiff, Heero Yuy is suing defendant Duo Maxwell for  
psychological grief from a unwanted marriage.   
  
(Heero walks in being glomped signals to Stone Cold who restrains his wife from further more  
glomping, Heero's witnesses then also walk in, they included: Hilde(?!), Zechs, Trowa and  
Quatre)  
(Duo walks in with his braid apparently super glued back to the original spot before he cut  
it off)  
  
Wu fei - Maxwell! You look like a dumb fool. I didn't notice the BAD GLUE JOB you did to your  
hair.  
  
Duo - I didn't know the BAD GEL JOB you did with yours. It looked as if you stuck your head  
into a horse's mouth!  
  
Wu fei - Oh, you going down good. You need some JUSTICE!!!! Stone Cold, DISCIPLINE Mr.   
Maxwell here! He needs some OPEN CAN WHOOPASS JUSTICE!!!!  
  
Stone Cold - (Finishing tying Relena to chair so she won't bother Heero) Ya damn right he  
needs some JUSTICE!!! (Proceeds to pummel on Duo at will)  
  
Heero - (snickers) \Stone Cold will kill Duo for me\  
  
Relena - What are you laughing about?! I demand to know! You can't escape from me, I KNOW   
WHERE YOU LIVE!!!   
  
Wu fei - COURT IS IN SESSION!!!!!! Heero!!! If your damn ONNA won't stop jabbering with her   
HEERO nonsense, I'll have to let Stone Cold deliver JUSTICE on her too!  
  
Heero - (gives Wu fei THE Death Glare) ...  
  
Duo - I KNEW IT!!!! You like being married to her!!! And you're suing me because you supposedly  
hate her!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA This is sweet!!!!!  
  
Wu fei - I'll disregard what just happened. \Maxwell will get the ultimate JUSTICE\ So why   
again are you suing your best friend, Mr. Yuy?  
  
Heero - It's simple, I have an impression that he set me up for this and I only want him to  
pay for my.... suffering.   
  
Wu fei - (cuts him off) On the court papers, it shows you aren't suing for any money. But you're  
suing for the court order to KILL Duo Maxwell!!  
  
Heero - Yes, that is true. No amount of money can ever give me back my life, only blowing  
a hole in the defendant's skull will heal the pain. (starts to break down)  
  
Relena - (attempts to reassure her "husband" but Stone Cold tied her up good) Duo!! Look what  
you did to Heero!  
  
Duo - ME!? You were the one wh-  
  
Wu fei - ORDER!!! I don't need your BALONEY here in the court!!! Mr. Yuy please tell the court  
what happened before the unfortunate incident.  
  
Heero - Certainly, I believe it was April Fools Day, one year ago and I got a wake up call  
from Duo.  
  
***** Flashback******  
  
Heero's Apartment somewhere in L1  
  
5:00 am  
  
(Phone ring like a mad monkey!)  
  
Heero - ...... Whoever calls me at this hour will DIE!!!! \Probably that crazy guy upstairs  
wanting me to play poker before he goes to his hot dog business\ (Picks up the phone) Hn...  
  
Duo - GOOOOOOOOOD Morning Heero!!!  
  
Heero - I see someone didn't take their Ridilin today. Why the hell did you call this early  
in the morning? Oh I forgot on Earth its 9am. \Stupid bastard, wake me up from dream of killing  
Relena, Duo must die!\  
  
Duo - Oh, I took a flight in last night and I'm at your door.... at about.... NOW!!! If you   
open the door, you should find me waiting, since you sound so pissed, you could kill me!!! I  
am unarmed.  
  
Heero - \What is Duo letting on? Does he want to die? Or does he want to tell me something?  
It seems important\ Okay, I'll go to the door. I'm hanging up!!!  
  
Duo - Don't you dare, I want to try talking to a person by phone even though they're right  
beside me. I think that's COOOOOLL!!!!  
  
Heero - \What an idiot, thank god I bought a cordless\ (Walks to door, opens door) Duo?! Where  
are you?  
  
Duo - LOOK BELOW!!!!  
  
Heero - (cringes as he looks down to the floor finding 'who else' Relena camping outside Heero's  
door!!!!) I'LL KILL YOU MAXWELL!!!!!!!!  
  
Duo - God of Death wins again!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Relena - (wakes up after Heero's yell awakened the whole floor) Hello Heero, I found you.  
  
Fat Guy - (walks out his door) What the hell is going on?! WHO LET THE BUMS IN AGAIN?! (points  
to Relena in the camp gear, goes back into his apartment)  
  
Heero - I will get my revenge, you don't know it but I will!!!!!  
  
Duo - Yes..... before you do, I think you better check your calendar...  
  
Heero - (walks into the house with Relena glomping him checks calendar) I'll KILL YOU MAXWELL!!!!!  
OF ALL THE DAYS!!! APRIL 1!!!!!  
  
Duo - April Fools sucker!!!!  
  
Heero - (slams phone to ground, breaking it) \I should stop doing that, I do have limited funds\  
  
Relena - Aren't you glad to see me?  
  
Heero - (death glare) Hn.... How did you get my address and besides that, how did you find my  
apartment? \Damn guess giving $50 to that dumbass security guard didn't do shit\  
  
Relena - Duo gave it to me, he said that you wanted to marry me, so I picked up the rings that  
I first got made the day after you ripped up my invitation. So let's go to the chapel NOW!!!!  
  
Heero - ..... I see, there won't be a marriage and there will never be one either! If you would  
GET THE HELL OUT, I will go and find Maxwell so he can die.  
  
(Relena reluctant to leave but Heero leaves Relena on the Fire Escape and locks the door as  
he thinks of a plan for revenge)  
  
********* End Flashback ***********  
  
Duo - I don't think you told the court EVERYTHING!!! You talked about plotting a revenge of  
some sort... I don't think you quite explained it. What you did is crueller than anything  
I could've done in all my life. You didn't break even... you did more than get EVEN!!!!!  
  
********* Flashback ***************  
  
About 11:30 am, Outside Duo's apartment, April 1  
  
Duo - This should help me last through the day. (Carrying BAGS and BAGS of food, unlocking   
door, opens door)....... (stutters in fear, dropping food breaking some glass containers)  
(Screams out "NOOOOOOOOOOO" exactly like the time his Gundam got blown up) MY FOOOOOOODD!!!!  
Who could've done such a thing?!  
  
(Hilde walks in behind Duo)  
  
Hilde - You had this coming, you did carry out the plan didn't you, you gave Relena Heero's   
address even though you swore you wouldn't.  
  
Duo - How do you know it's Heero?! (Walks over, and finds a HEADLESS Teddy Bear on the couch)  
(A Card lies beside it, it read "April Fools!!! Who's Laughing Now!!!!") HEEERRRROO!!!!!!  
  
********** End Flashback *************  
  
Duo - (sobbing) You went too far! And why would you ever suspect me of setting up your marriage,  
even I'm not that cruel.  
  
Wu fei - I heard enough, BRING THE FIRST WITNESS!!!!! Zechs!!!  
  
Zechs - (rises up) Your honor, I feel that Duo Maxwell had every intention of setting my now  
brother-in-law for the marriage. I have facts and heard him mention Heero and my sister's name  
in the same sentence constantly.  
  
********** Flashback *****************  
  
Preventer Headquarters AC 197  
  
Zechs - Maxwell!!! Stop fooling around and put that gun DOWN!!!! Do not use it to open your  
damn soda!!! A gun is not a toy.  
  
Duo - Who the hell do you think you are, my mother?! You have the hair bu-  
  
Zechs - (grabbing Duo's braid) I'll cut IT off (referring to the braid) if you mock MY hair  
and my gender EVER AGAIN!!! You hear me!!!!   
  
Duo - You'll pay for grabbing my braid!!! I'm going to talk to Heero and convince him to have  
coffee with Relena... oh yes... revenge, first coffee then m-  
  
Zechs - (grabbing Duo's braid) I'll KILL YOU!!!! HEERO DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT!!!! \Is Relena  
in the room?\ (looks around) \good!\  
  
Sank Kingdom Christmas party  
  
Duo - (trying to get Heero drunk) If you drink this whiskey, I'll MAKE sure Relena leaves you  
alone.  
  
Heero - This is another one of your sad attempts to get me hitched with that psycho!  
  
Zechs - Leave Heero alone, if you get him drunk and him talking to my sister drunk, I'LL KILL  
YOU FOR REAL!!!! If anything happens between Heero and my sister... I'LL DO MORE THAN KILL   
YOU!!! (glares at Duo)  
  
Ten Minutes Later  
  
Zechs - (seeing Heero finally drunk and "flirting" with Relena) ..... I'LL KILL DUO!!!!  
  
************ End Flashback ************  
  
Zechs - so there!, that's why I feel Duo shall pay for his crime.   
  
Wu fei - Maxwell didn't commit no crime. Oh wait, he committed INJUSTICE!!!! Basically, he   
committed injustice to all of humanity!!! It's a crime against nature to be married to that  
THING (pointing to Relena)  
  
Zechs - I think you're understating it...  
  
Wu fei - Bring in the next witness.  
  
Hilde - (stands up) Yes, your honor.  
  
Wu fei - Tell the court of the events which led to the incident we face today.  
  
Hilde - Well Duo has been the type to play pranks on people especially Heero, because its  
so fun to piss him off.  
  
************ Flashback ***************  
  
Hilde - Duo, I've invited Relena for lunch.  
  
Duo - (shudders) do I have to go?  
  
Hilde - YES!!! And she has a surprise.  
  
Duo - I hope its not Heero, that April fools joke was harsh. I'll kill that bastard. I'm lucky  
I can live off my own fat until I bought more food.  
  
1 hour later: Undisclosed restaurant  
  
Relena - I see you and Duo made it.  
  
Duo - I didn't want to come but I got forced into it. I hear you have a surprise, is it my  
quick and painless death so I can get the hell away from you?!  
  
Hilde - Shut up Duo! He's just playing around, he doesn't mean it.. RIGHT?  
  
Duo - Sure... I don't mean it. (mumbles something nobody hears)  
  
Relena - My surprises are these (hands Duo and Hilde two rings) I had them custom made when I met   
Heero!  
  
Duo - What's wrong with you? You meet someone and you already have wedding rings made?! What  
the hell is wrong with you? Are you one of those psycho women who want to have their men on  
a dog leash?! First you stalk him, and you expect me to think you have sanity!? When I called  
you "beautiful" back in AC 195 when you were stalking Heero, I was being sarcastic. I should've  
killed you when I had the change who knew you'd be such a nucience because I didn't kill you,  
Heero told me all about it.... (rambles on)  
  
Relena - Yes, I need you to convince Heero to marry me.  
  
Duo - ... say what?! (eyes then turn 'evil') okay, this will be a favour to Heero. After all  
I need to repay him for what he did to me anyways. Okay, I'll find a way to lure Heero to you!  
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Relena - That's just jolly.  
  
************ End flashback ************  
  
Hilde - and that's all I can remember anything to do with Duo wanting revenge.  
  
Heero - (glares at Relena)..... \maybe I can get a divorce, wait I have to pay child support  
and I don't have a REAL job, damn, can't kill someone I want to protect.\  
  
Relena - (tries to look comforting) It turned out for the better.  
  
Heero - I'll KILL YOU ALL!!!!  
  
Wu fei - Heero, please tell us what happened the day where you did get married.  
  
************ Flashback ***************  
  
At the audition (10 months earlier)  
  
Heero - \can't wait to be judge Heero!!! Then I'll show that Relena that a restraining order  
can be enforced\  
  
Relena - HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERO!!!!!!  
  
Heero - Crap!!!! (Runs out of audition room with Relena chasing him)  
  
(By the Vending Machine area)  
  
Wu fei - What's the rush, Yuy? Gonna cry because you got REJECTED!!! Wait, you have FEAR in  
your eyes... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it's that Peacecraft girl isn't it? You can't even handle one ONNA!!!  
This is better than JUSTICE!!!  
  
(Twenty minutes later)  
  
Duo - Hey, what's with you?  
  
Heero - I'm hiding from Relena, I'm gonna try to hide in the parking lot, I then plan to kill  
her when she's wandering aimlessly. Don't tell anyone!!!!!  
  
Duo - I won't. I *promise*  
  
Heero - .....  
  
(1 hour later)  
  
Heero - (hides out behind parked cars in parking lot) \Now she can't find me\ (turns around)  
What the hell?! But how!!!!  
  
Relena - (standing behind Heero) Duo told me where you were hiding. He said something about  
vengence and payback. I didn't know that I'd find you here. I didn't know you wanted a ride  
back from here. (points to PINK limo Heero was hiding behind)  
  
Heero - \STUPID STUPID..\ AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! (reaches for gun) DIE!!!! (Fires, but no bullets)  
What the hell, it must be stuck on safety. DAMN!!! Someone soldered the lock, I can't move it!!!  
DUUUUUUUUOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Duo, Director comes out of the audition building)  
  
Heero - Help me! I need help. Get the JAWS OF LIFE to get her off me! My gun is in my spandex  
shoot off her arms!! He - (face starts to turn blue)  
  
Director - Oh, go get a room. (sees Duo, WITHOUT THE BRAID) What the hell are you doing back  
here! You left here crying like a girl. What did you do to your hair.  
  
Duo - I cut the braid off so I can be JUDGE DUO!!!  
  
Director - Go away, I gave the part to Wu fei, at least you LOOK like a male. (gets into his  
89' Dodge Colt (low budget fic) and drives off)  
  
Duo - NOOOOOOOOO!!! (screams like the time Deathscythe got blown up on LIVE TV!) Oh, hi Heero,  
I sort of told Relena your hiding place. She treatened me by telling Hilde about my secret  
food stash. I'm soooooo sorry.  
  
Heero - (losing consciousness) Omae o korosu, Duo!  
  
********** End Flashback ************************  
  
Heero - That is all I can remember. That's why I feel I should KILL Duo Maxwell!!!! You hear  
me, I'm gonna KILL someone tonight!!!! No one pisses me off!!! But one thing that bothered me  
more was how I managed to father a child if I was unconscious?!  
  
(Relena trying to restrain Heero from killing someone)  
  
Relena - Well, you were awake... I guess you had too much *fun*  
  
Heero - What drug did you use woman?  
  
Relena - Well in the limo I gave you water from the limo mini bar that said VODKA. I guess it  
was Russian Spring Water. I thought that giving you a whole bottle will make you better. After  
a few hours, you did wake up and...  
  
Heero - (trembling) you drugged me and made me drunk to the point I suffered AMNESIA!!!!   
\at least she didn't harvested my DNA to make the child\  
  
Wu fei - This is disgusting, Heero drunk and I wasn't there. Anyways, I have heard enough to  
make a decision. I will deliver JUSTICE. I understand no amount of MONEY will give you the   
JUSTICE you deserve Yuy, but I won't let you take the cowardly way out. You should know better   
than to kill a WEAKLING like ONNA - MAN Duo Maxwell. Duo Maxwell, your weak pathetic act of   
sheer CRUELLNESS really gave Heero the JUSTICE he had coming. That is why I THROW OUT this   
case. That's good JUSTICE YUY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!! CASE CLOSED!!!! GET THE HELL OUT   
OF MY COURT ROOM!!!!!  
  
(Wu fei's bodyguard Stone Cold protects him from the possible killing Heero could deliver)  
  
Duo - HAHAHAHAHA!!! God of Death 1, Perfect Soldier 0!!! Oh this is sweet. I thought I was  
a dead man!!!  
  
Heero - (reaches for gun) DAMN!!! (mutters) metal detectors....  
  
Outside the court house  
  
(Heero, Duo being interviewed)  
  
Heero - I feel that the defendant should DIE!!!! Look how bad my life is.. JUST LOOK AT HER!!!  
SHE'S CRAZY!!!!!  
  
(Relena restrains Heero and both of them leave in the limo)  
  
Duo - I have nothing to say, I feel that the plaintiff was an ASS!!! My god, he moaned in that  
room more than me when my air got cut off on the moon!!! My god!!! And to have my servant/ housewife  
Hilde testify against me... well, that hurt... the ZERO system did some crazy things to his head.  
Made him gay, how can you possibly hate women who worship the ground you walk on....   
  
Announcer - On the Next Judge Wufei, a rich Arabian boy suing EVERYONE for age/GENDER descrimination  
  
Quatre - (crying) I'm not a 10 year old GIRL!!!!!  
  
(Show Ends)  
  
************************************************************  
  
House of the Author  
  
(An even more enraged Heero and Relena arrives at the door)  
  
Prez - What can I do for you? You should see someone about that popping vein!  
  
Heero - I'd kill you but then I wouldn't be placed in these weird situations. One question  
how the hell did my gun get soldered so the safety lock won't come off?! I WAS DRUNK out of  
my mind?!  
  
Prez - ... uh... body heat?! yes.. body heat from your "Rage".. Rage does weird things to   
people. And yes, drunk out of your mind. How else were you going to *bunk* with that "psycho"  
you had so many chances in the show. How about ep. 49, you could've stayed on the plane. And  
let's not forget about your passing out during Endless Waltz right onto Relena. You seemed so  
reluctant to "commit", I just facilitated the process. Control your rage too, you're supposed  
to be promoting peace...  
  
Heero - If rage does funny things... (points gun at Prez's head)  
  
Relena - HEERO!!!! You're scaring the baby!!!! I demand to leave NOW!!!!!  
  
Heero - Prez, I will kill you.... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (leaves with Relena & child)  
  
Prez - Note: Relena is bitchier in real life. Also Heero is VERY responsive to Relena. Also  
the baby is fat.  
  
**************************************************************  
  
so how was that? Should I write more about GW characters suing the hell out of each other?  
  



End file.
